Mama, Dada, Vava

As some of you know, I've been a little busy these last two weekends playing pretend mom to my niece and nephew while their parents were on vacation in South Korea.  In hindsight and with sincere regard to Mother's Day just passing and Father's Day upcoming, I am compelled to write a tribute to all parents, if they will accept it.

"Is this what parenting is like?  If so, man it's so painful and hard."  The first time this thought crossed my mind was not when I was giving Eddison a bath the first Friday night they stayed with me, or when I made Olivia choose one out of the two Barbie movies that she wanted while we were at Target, or getting up at 2 am to make a bottle for Eddison or negotiating reading time with Olivia.  The first time I thought this was the first Sunday night on my long drive home after dropping them off with their maternal grandparents.  It was so painful and hard to leave them - not because of anything to do with who I was leaving them with, but because I would miss going to bed without Eddison hugging my arm, mumbling 'vava' (what he calls me) repeatedly, and gently touching my face to make sure I was still laying next to him while he feel asleep.  Because I would miss Olivia's sleepy voice saying good night to me as she snuggled up with Eddison and me.  Because I would wakeup without them looking at me with the sun softly glowing behind the drapes and Olivia would ask "Phau Va (aunt Maiva) what are we going to do today?"  Because for a few days they were all my heart needed to be completely happy.  And I must admit, I cried my eyes out on my long drive home that first Sunday night wondering if I was a good auntie or not; and if they were happy, well fed and not wanting, during their short time with me.

During that short time, we even established a small routine - Friday nights we went to Target to grocery shop (and for me to spoil them a little).  In the evenings, Olivia would read, draw or play games after dinner while I gave Eddison a bath.  Then I'd set the shower for her while I put Eddison to bed.  (I was so proud the second night when she said "Phau Va, the temperature is perfect this time," regarding the water for her shower.)  After her shower, we'd watch The Little Prince while in bed to help Eddision fall asleep.  Then, after Olivia fell asleep, I would get up to do the dishes.  Our day hours would go by so fast:  Facetime with their mom and dad in the morning after breakfast; Elmo for Eddison and drawing for Olivia while I cleaned up the kitchen; family events and birthday parties in the afternoons, and a day and slumber party with the other four pieces of my heart (my other nieces and nephews except Emma because she was with her grandparents).  Then, Sunday would be upon us again.

This last Sunday, however, I told myself I wasn't going to get all emotional about it again.  I decided, selfishly, I would drop off the kids a little later so I could have more time with them.  As we drove to my brother's house to pick out Olivia's school outfit for Monday, and before I drop them off with their grandparents, I heard sniffling in the backseat.  I turned to look and Olivia was quietly crying.  I asked her why she was crying and she said "I don't want you to leave us."  Of course, this totally broke me, but I tried to sound calm and asked her to not cry because it would make me really sad.  A few tears escaped me though.  I told her I don't want to leave them, but I have to go to work the next day.  I told her my plan was we would hangout at their house until almost their bedtime, and then I will drop them off at their grandparents and they can go right to sleep.  Although still sad with her big puppy eyes, she was agreeable to this plan.  And, eventhough Eddison can't really talk yet (except for a couple words), I thought he was feeling sad too because he started whimpering, and when we got to their house, he clung on to me, and chose to be with me over watching Elmo, while I did some chores at their house.

That night as we drove to their grandparents' house, all I wanted was to make sure they weren't sad.  So I asked Olivia where we should go on vacation this summer since we all went to Washington DC last summer.  I could tell by her quiet demeanor that she was thinking about me leaving them.  But I asked her if she had been to Florida (which I already know she had, twice).  When she said she had, I asked her if she would take me some day, and what she thinks we "have to, have to" see when we go.  This lifted her mood, and she started talking spiritedly about Disney World, the beach, pool, sun and all the other happy memories she had on those trips.  Eddison chimed in with his own stories before falling asleep somewhere between Brooklyn Park and South Minneapolis.  When we arrived at their grandparents' home, grandma [mom] told me that last weekend Olivia cried and cried because she missed me so much.  I gave Olivia a big bear hug, and Eddison a kiss before I left.

Then, I responded, "I think we're going to be ok this time."

For two weekends, not even full weeks, just weekends, I was the "sole provider" for my niece and nephew, and I am resolved that parenting has got to be the hardest job because essentially no other skill will do but LOVE.  I love all my nieces and nephews to the moon and back, and this experience has given me a glimpse at the emotional, heart wrenching, stomach churning, breath-taking and soul searching reality of what it must be like to be a Real parent, and to LOVE someone(s) so much your ribs, lungs, heart and head hurts just thinking about being apart from them.  I commend all the parents out there, and thank each one of them for doing their best - and most of all, I thank my "mama" and "dada" (as Eddison would say) for being so loving and strong to encourage me when I'm down, guide me when I'm lost, and love me even when I didn't quite know how to love myself.

Thank you, sincerely.