Mama, Dada, Vava

As some of you know, I've been a little busy these last two weekends playing pretend mom to my niece and nephew while their parents were on vacation in South Korea.  In hindsight and with sincere regard to Mother's Day just passing and Father's Day upcoming, I am compelled to write a tribute to all parents, if they will accept it.

"Is this what parenting is like?  If so, man it's so painful and hard."  The first time this thought crossed my mind was not when I was giving Eddison a bath the first Friday night they stayed with me, or when I made Olivia choose one out of the two Barbie movies that she wanted while we were at Target, or getting up at 2 am to make a bottle for Eddison or negotiating reading time with Olivia.  The first time I thought this was the first Sunday night on my long drive home after dropping them off with their maternal grandparents.  It was so painful and hard to leave them - not because of anything to do with who I was leaving them with, but because I would miss going to bed without Eddison hugging my arm, mumbling 'vava' (what he calls me) repeatedly, and gently touching my face to make sure I was still laying next to him while he feel asleep.  Because I would miss Olivia's sleepy voice saying good night to me as she snuggled up with Eddison and me.  Because I would wakeup without them looking at me with the sun softly glowing behind the drapes and Olivia would ask "Phau Va (aunt Maiva) what are we going to do today?"  Because for a few days they were all my heart needed to be completely happy.  And I must admit, I cried my eyes out on my long drive home that first Sunday night wondering if I was a good auntie or not; and if they were happy, well fed and not wanting, during their short time with me.

During that short time, we even established a small routine - Friday nights we went to Target to grocery shop (and for me to spoil them a little).  In the evenings, Olivia would read, draw or play games after dinner while I gave Eddison a bath.  Then I'd set the shower for her while I put Eddison to bed.  (I was so proud the second night when she said "Phau Va, the temperature is perfect this time," regarding the water for her shower.)  After her shower, we'd watch The Little Prince while in bed to help Eddision fall asleep.  Then, after Olivia fell asleep, I would get up to do the dishes.  Our day hours would go by so fast:  Facetime with their mom and dad in the morning after breakfast; Elmo for Eddison and drawing for Olivia while I cleaned up the kitchen; family events and birthday parties in the afternoons, and a day and slumber party with the other four pieces of my heart (my other nieces and nephews except Emma because she was with her grandparents).  Then, Sunday would be upon us again.

This last Sunday, however, I told myself I wasn't going to get all emotional about it again.  I decided, selfishly, I would drop off the kids a little later so I could have more time with them.  As we drove to my brother's house to pick out Olivia's school outfit for Monday, and before I drop them off with their grandparents, I heard sniffling in the backseat.  I turned to look and Olivia was quietly crying.  I asked her why she was crying and she said "I don't want you to leave us."  Of course, this totally broke me, but I tried to sound calm and asked her to not cry because it would make me really sad.  A few tears escaped me though.  I told her I don't want to leave them, but I have to go to work the next day.  I told her my plan was we would hangout at their house until almost their bedtime, and then I will drop them off at their grandparents and they can go right to sleep.  Although still sad with her big puppy eyes, she was agreeable to this plan.  And, eventhough Eddison can't really talk yet (except for a couple words), I thought he was feeling sad too because he started whimpering, and when we got to their house, he clung on to me, and chose to be with me over watching Elmo, while I did some chores at their house.

That night as we drove to their grandparents' house, all I wanted was to make sure they weren't sad.  So I asked Olivia where we should go on vacation this summer since we all went to Washington DC last summer.  I could tell by her quiet demeanor that she was thinking about me leaving them.  But I asked her if she had been to Florida (which I already know she had, twice).  When she said she had, I asked her if she would take me some day, and what she thinks we "have to, have to" see when we go.  This lifted her mood, and she started talking spiritedly about Disney World, the beach, pool, sun and all the other happy memories she had on those trips.  Eddison chimed in with his own stories before falling asleep somewhere between Brooklyn Park and South Minneapolis.  When we arrived at their grandparents' home, grandma [mom] told me that last weekend Olivia cried and cried because she missed me so much.  I gave Olivia a big bear hug, and Eddison a kiss before I left.

Then, I responded, "I think we're going to be ok this time."

For two weekends, not even full weeks, just weekends, I was the "sole provider" for my niece and nephew, and I am resolved that parenting has got to be the hardest job because essentially no other skill will do but LOVE.  I love all my nieces and nephews to the moon and back, and this experience has given me a glimpse at the emotional, heart wrenching, stomach churning, breath-taking and soul searching reality of what it must be like to be a Real parent, and to LOVE someone(s) so much your ribs, lungs, heart and head hurts just thinking about being apart from them.  I commend all the parents out there, and thank each one of them for doing their best - and most of all, I thank my "mama" and "dada" (as Eddison would say) for being so loving and strong to encourage me when I'm down, guide me when I'm lost, and love me even when I didn't quite know how to love myself.

Thank you, sincerely.  

Something Out-of-the-Blue...

The scariest dreams aren’t so much the ones where I dream of monsters or murders.  The scariest dreams are the ones that feel completely real.  Its the ones that have almost everything physically and emotionally correct, and the only way to realize its a dream is realizing the small details are completely absurd. 

I haven’t been feeling too well these last couple of days, and haven’t ventured out of my house except for absolutely necessary errands - such as a job interview.  Even with this sunny exceptional March weather, I have no desire to join society in it’s goings-on.  I’ve been nursing my pains with hot tea, tylenol and spicy food, and I’ve got a load of dishes to wash.  I’ve also been contemplating if I should open the $120 bottle of wine I recently received as a gift.  But mostly, I escape into documentaries and read books.  This afternoon, however, I found myself escaping to stranger places….

My mother was in the kitchen, she was cleaning or washing the dishes.  The warm sun filled the muted house spotlighting dust particles as they danced in and out of the light.  I went out the back door and walked across the large yard into the pole barn.  The doors were wide open and the same lustrous light poured in wherever it could.  The barn was still and hummed quietly.  I got onto an old ATV and burst out of the barn.  My long hair swirling, and my skirt fluttering where I had not tucked it under my bum.  I sped across the field until I reached the foot of a hill.  I parked the vehicle, wrapped my scarf around my shoulders and began walking up the shaded hill.  The sun was low on the horizon, and as I ascended the hill, sunlight peeped out brighter and brighter.  I watched my shadow become more and more pronounced beside me as I climbed up the hill.  A strong wind gushed back and forth, and my long floral dress swam to one side then another along with my hair and scarf.  It felt peaceful with the sun glowing against the pale blue sky, even the thrashing winds felt cleansing and welcoming.  

I reached the top of the hill, and saw my shadow standing beside me.  We raised our hands in the air, our scarves dancing, and I screamed as loud as I could.  About one hundred yards from the bottom of the hill was a fence.  It ran endlessly from one side to another.  I looked off into the distance, and saw a vastness that felt oddly familiar.  I let out another loud yell.  I felt joy and pain as my voice rang out from me.  Then, I dropped onto the tall soft grass, and fell asleep on top of that hill.  

Hours had gone by until I awoke to the sound of a vehicle coming towards me.  I opened my eyes, and the sun was in its exact place.  The wind had passed.  I still felt tired - lost almost.  I slowly turned my head to one side.  Blinked slowly, and felt like something was switched on inside of me.  I could see a figure riding an ATV coming nearer and nearer.  It was my father.  When he reached the bottom of the hill, he turned off the vehicle, stepped off, and waved to me.  I knew it was time to go home.  

When I finally arrived at home, the house was glowing with sunlight.  My parents were sitting at the kitchen table, and wanted me to take them somewhere.  We got into my car and I drove them into the city.  

But that’s not the end.  It’s the journey back that slowly made me realize I had been dreaming.  By this time, I knew in the far corners of my mind that I was dreaming.

My parents and I were in St. Paul.  We went to their usual places they like to visit when they’re home in MN.  Then they wanted me to drop them off to visit my sister-in-law’s mother.  She had been very sick, and they wanted to visit her before they went back to Missouri.  She was at a hospital in Brooklyn Park.  We drove across town until we arrived to a strangely familiar location that was not Brooklyn Park.  It was a hillside city that had its central plaza on a ledge protruding over a large body of water.  I’d been here many times in other dreams.  I parked the car in a ramp, and we went into the plaza.  

There were coffee shops, storefronts and busy people buzzing from one place to another.  It was a lively place.  My parents went off into one direction, and I was suddenly wandering the streets alone.  It was hard to tell if I was inside or outside.  There was so much to look at, and so many people humming around.  Then I found myself in front of some kind of transportation station, and trying to buy a ticket for the next boat, but I couldn’t read any of the signs or pamphlets.  I wandered off from the ferry station, and found myself in an empty corridor with cheap carpeted floors and steel walls like a hallway fashioned after the inside of an elevator. 

I walked down the hallway until I reached an elevator door.  I stood in front of the elevator waiting for the cart like I knew where I was going because I’d been here before.  Then, my parents showed up at the end of the corridor and said it was time to go.  Without hesitation, I left the corridor and left with them.  As we walked away from the plaza, I noticed there were homes built right into the side of the hill like hobbit holes except without the warmth of hobbits.  

My parents and I drove off once more.  The sun still shining brightly, and the sky still clear and pale.  I had promised to dropped them off at my brother’s, so I did that.  At least I know did that because I was driving alone now.  

On my way to wherever I was going, I remembered that I was supposed to help a friend with some short film he was making.  I arrived on the set to see that they were almost done shooting.  The set was in a large warehouse, and even though it was sunny outside, the warehouse was dark.  They were producing a film on how to scare kids.  My job was to give them ideas and pointers.  I watched the actors, and film crew and felt uneasy.  It didn’t feel right.  I looked around and realized I didn’t know any of these people, and as a matter of fact, I have no clue about filmmaking.  As the director was talking to me, my mind started to realize I was in a dream.  I could hear my thoughts:  Wake up!  Wake up!

I felt an urgent needed to wake up.  I could feel myself laying on the sofa in my living room.  I was no longer in that warehouse, but I could see myself sleeping on the sofa.  The book I had been reading was open and laying on my chest.  My soft throw draped over my legs and the two sofa pillows underneath my head and shoulders.  I tried to wake myself, but nothing stirred.  The sunlight poured into the living room.  I jerked and felt awake, but every time I tried to get up from the sofa I would find myself back in the sleeping position.  I knew I hadn’t actually woken up.  I told myself to move - wiggle my toes, flex my fingers, breath in deeply and exhale - anything to get my body to wakeup because by now my mind was awake.  I did this three times, and finally I jerked awake and stood up from the sofa.  I looked around, and sunlight poured into the living room.  The blanket was draped on the sofa arm and the book was closed on top of the ottoman.  I felt chills.  I sat down on the sofa again, and got up freely.  I walked over to the dining room.  Drank a glass of cold water.  Then I checked my cellphone.  

I had been sleeping for two hours, and it was now almost 5pm.  I decided it was time to open that $120 bottle of wine... besides, I would never wear a floral dress to ride an ATV and climb a hill.

Filter Filter Filter!!!!

Early this summer when I got my promotion, I was happy and scared at the same time.  Happy because I knew I deserved the promotion, but scared because its been a while since something this great has come my way so easily.  I was sure the good fortune would quickly be followed by some misfortune.  After all, I have been fighting, fighting for the last four years to keep myself together under the weight of many stresses.  More than anything, I was afraid the good fortune would disturb the sense of calm I had recently found.  

There are some people who can always maintain a positive attitude, and never despair.  I am not one of those people.  I am almost always worried about something, but I try hard to keep my anxiety in check when I walk out the door.  I always say “change is good” but there are times I say it because I need to remind myself of that fact.  

So I had a lot of hardships these last couple years.  I fought back, and did my best to overcome them.  I have come to the point where a big part of the fight will be with myself and allowing change to happen as it naturally will.  There are some things I don’t want to let go of, but not letting them go might be more harmful in the long haul.  

In a way, I have caged myself in my ideals, and I held on to childish dreams.  Did I really think that one day my family would live in five houses surrounding a lush court yard where we would play croquet and drink tea?  Or that all the people I love(d) and I would never part ways?  I guess for some time I did.  So much of what I desired depended on other people.  Though I’ve always considered myself to be quite independent, I’m learning that there is this other thing I’ve lost touch with:  Individualism.  It’s starting to become clear that Individualism is going to be that sacrifice in the long haul.

I know I was more individualistic when I was younger, but as I grew up I thought it was childish that I couldn’t try to see things more from other people’s perspectives.  I went to great lengths to be more intuitive, and to listen before I talk; to weigh all matters at hand before jumping to conclusions, and to always be honest about what I thought.  Eventually, I decided that that was how I could achieve balance in my life by weighing it all out.

I saw balance like a seesaw, or a weighing instrument that one might typically see for ads relating to justice.  On one side was me, and on the other side was the world.  Yeah, I know this is sounding a bit narcissistic, egocentric and maybe a little hypomanic, but that’s what blogs are for, and just follow me here, ok (in the like of Barney Stinson).  I thought if I could balance myself with everything in my life, I could find peace or some kind of calm state of being.  Now, I don’t think balancing life can be done on a scale with two sides measuring for equal weight, but balancing life is more like atoms and particles moving at super speed and I just have to let it happen in which ever crazy way its going to happen because its the momentum that keeps it balanced.  And, inner peace isn’t something that I can achieve on a constant, but its more like sunshine that I should enjoy while it lasts.  And individuality isn’t one of the supersonic particles of life that is out of reach, but it is the filter that I see myself and life through.  

I can’t explain what this all means or how it means, but I like the idea of more individualism.  I’m going to slowly introduce it back into my life one shade at a time until I get the filter just right - or not at all.

Others to Keep

I don't know how other people are, but I often find that I don't fully accept and understand that I won't be here forever.  Maybe it is my selfishness that makes me forget (or deny) that there will be someone else to love, regret and cherish Life after I am gone, and in her time she will have her own triumphs and hardships.  The same will be true for her and everyone else.  Time is a tool of our lives, but also the whip that runs us down.  It is, in the end, Life's ultimate addiction.

What do I do with that thought?  I need more time, more time for this and more time for that, but at the same I am getting more tired and worn out.  Some times I start to loathe that there is no end even though an end is certain.  The weight of worry grows heavier as time presses on, and I start to question How I am living because it is too late to contemplate life.  I search my memory, and I realize that the genuine good things are enough to tolerate the weight of suffering.  Memory is the great endurance of time. This is where I should attempt to make the best impact in some small and genuine way.    

Always I know I am small in the universe - smaller even than dust in a banquet hall.  I have no significance among great things, but nonetheless, I have purpose.  I am nothing and everything to this world that I am a part of.  That is the only identity crisis I face.

The loathsome day will arrive, and after I have been spent and pressed thin, all of me will fade along with other Things.  Time will take its toll and by then I suspect the price will not seem too heavy.  For now, I can only influence the fractions of time and space that are mine, and everything else is for others to keep.

Short: Sophie by the River

The river called to her.  She found herself on the riverbank that summer evening gazing out into the calm water.  There was nothing particular on her mind, but there was a pulling at her heart.  Something curious and longing festering there, and it was looking for answers in the depths of the river.  The river was still as a photograph even as a breeze swept under the bridge that connected downtown to the governtment island.  In her heart, Sophie, felt moved by the river like there was some secret to be revealed at any moment.

She carefully observed the riverbank, bridge and water for anything extraordinary or interesting.  She peered into the dark waters, but all she saw was the reflection of the city lights.  She sat another ten minutes then got up to leave.  As she stood up, a slight ripple danced along the river's surface.  A mild wind whipped through the bridge and slapped against the water.  The surface swelled as if something glided under it.  A chill crawled over her, and hurried her away from the river.  She got on to her bike and peddled away.  

She peddled along Seventh to Hope Street.  Her team was meeting at The Boss Club with Robert.  He had some urgent news to share with them.  

Lifesaving Little Creatures

A good friend is like the stories you like to tell over and over gain.  The things you've been through together are so deeply embedded into who you are that certain portions of your memories are theirs.  Good friends are truly lifesaving little creatures who make the hardships in life more bearable.  Personally, I don't take my friendships lightly.  I only accept the truly battered, worn down and experienced friends.  Being around them is as easy as putting on my favorite pair of blue jeans.  

We all (should) want to be that friend who is fun and dependable, but we know that someone has done that repeatedly for us too.  It may not always be the same person, but good friends lend you their strength when yours alone is not enough.  Friends are my ultimate cheerleaders whether its a good idea or not.  They will be there to pick me up when, alas as they predicted, it was a bad idea.  Seriously, how many times did I fall off the chair lift at Lutsen, and still my friends kept showing up at the top with me to watch me fall off until I didn't.

You might ask me, how does one develop such meaningful relationships?  Respectfully, I accept the question.  The first thing is know what kind of friend you are because this is where it starts.  Second, is find people who are going to be the same kind of friend you are because this minimizes the drama that follows when you don't quite meet each other's expectations.  Thirdly, do stupid things together and suddenly those stupid things don't seem stupid, but they strengthen the trust.  If someone can do stupid things with you, you know you've got a good friend and something to blackmail them with if all else fails.  Lastly, don't cling on to them like a life jacket because no one wants to be friends with a sinking ship.  Accept that someone hotter will come along and you're going to have to share your friends with their boyfriend or girlfriend.  If you find yourself jealous of the time they spend with their significant other or you feel you should be included in all their dates, then friendship is not what you're looking for.  

I have friends I haven't spoken with for months.  Life happens, and you carry on, but when you do get a chance to chat, it could go on for hours.  I have good friends who are my family members, and many of my good friends feel like family because I could never get rid of them easily.  

Overall, good friendships aren't based on some shallow meet and greets.  Long lasting friendships have substance, and sometimes involves substance abuse (though I highly do not recommend nor do I deny).  Good friends are supportive and nurturing.  They tell you its a stupid idea, but still offer to help if you need any.  They give you the hard truth when a dress is too tight to wear even if you're in Vegas but buy you spandex incase you get the itch to try it on again.  They lose their clothes in your closet, celebrate your birthday harder than you, send you flowers when you're down, visit you when you're hurt, or maybe they might find themselves having an awkward breakfast with your parents because driving home was just too dangerous.  And I must not forget, they tell the best stories about you whether its true or not.  

Curiosity Calls! Discover Me!

Blame it on too much Cosmo as a teenager or cheap horoscopes, but one of the best discoveries I've had in my life is reinventing myself.  Geminis are apparently good a reinventing themselves, and are flaky and full of themselves.  I know that's such a cheap description, but I have found that its easy for me to change my mind about things and that sometimes is described as flaky.  I can handle life so much better when I know that its not forever.  Not saying that I don't hold on to somethings far past their expiration dates, but generally I try let myself down easy when time has run out.

But, there are some big things in my life that are tough as a mountain to move, and no amount of reinvention has changed where I stand against its monstrosity.  For example, Mike.  He's one of the biggest mountains I've ever created for myself.  I have poured ten years of emotional baggage into this man, and I still don't want to commit to him and I don't trust him. The toughest part is that the solution is so simple, but the consequences seem too scary.  I mean this is LIFE.  When you mess up your life, there's really no one else to blame but yourself.  I should allow myself the courage to mess up, get back up, try new things and explore.  Yes.  I need to explore.

Explore and discover.  I've done good share of that in my professional life.  In the roughly ten years I've been full-time in the workforce, I've changed my profession four times from Insurance Sales, Journalism, Grants/Finance and now Accounting.  Yet, I think with the new things I'm learning and adding to my skills set, this may not be the end of my professional web.  I am very interested in getting into project management, change management and information systems.  At the same time, I still dream of writing.  I could.  I can.  I should be whoever I want to be as soon as I decide so.

So, then it baffles me when grown people act like there is nothing they can do to help their situation (though there are some situations that can't be helped, but usually those situations are illegal or have legal implications).  I'm fairly compassionate, but I'm equal parts tough love.  I know what its like to keep making the same mistakes over and over again, but I also know enough that its because I'm not ready to move that mountain.  Nothing else.  Absolutely nothing but myself hinders me from achieving what I want.  I'm sure it baffles people, and they might think "she's had it easy.  she's naive to think that way."

I haven't been through it all, but I've been through enough to test my perseverance against those who'd break me down.  It has definitely changed who I am.  My conviction has been tested against failing dreams and broken hearts.  Through the tears and sweat, I am on track to realizing those dreams and mending those hearts.  But each time things got hard, I had to ask myself "Who are you?"  And every time, the answer was slightly different.

Reinvention isn't a change of clothes or a new hair color.  It takes commitment, determination and sometimes, desperation.  Above all, it requires a flaky, naive and careless kind of Hope (and curiosity, meow).

BYOImagination

Here's another thing about me that drives me crazy!  I can never have just ONE favorite thing!  Its impossible to choose just one because it just is.  I don't have one favorite color.  I have two favorite colors:  black and purple.  I don't have one favorite restaurant to eat at, but I have at least three favorite places for each Hobbit meal of the day.  Lets start with coffee.  My two favorite coffee dives are Swede Hollow in St. Paul and the Urban Bean in Minneapolis.  For a loosen-my-belt kind of breakfast, I'll go with the omelettes at Sunnyside Up or the Red & Green plate at Seward Cafe.  But, if I'm in the mood for a light breakfast I'd order up the plantain pancakes at Maria's Cafe or grab a pastry at the Franklin Street Bakery.  If I want an exceptionally exquisite breakfast, I must go to Meritage in downtown St. Paul.  True foodies (and hobbits) know that breakfast is only the warm up run.  I love brunch as much as Memei loves cream in her tea.  The best brunches are at Mandarin Kitchen, Granite City or at Pashia's house.  I could go on about favorite food places, but do you really want to hear?  Leave me a comment, if you do.

As undecided as I am, I do actually have a favorite place to dine (eat).  My favorite place is in my backyard.  Alfresco dinners in the spring time with family and friends, and summer tea parties in the backyard are some of the reasons why it's my favorite place.  The intimate experiences with loved ones are what makes some meals more than just delicious.  Also, most of you have probably seen all the pictures I've posted on Facebook of my backyard - I could do anything I wanted to there, and I have a lot of things I should do too.

I love looking out into the six acres behind the house not because I'm vain, but because it frees my mind.  The late afternoon sun slowly rolling over to the west, and fluffy clouds parading by like marshmallow men .  A cold glass of Riesling on the patio table, and a rack of ribs smoking on the grill while I soak in some sun.  I find myself zoning out to the sound of leaves rustling as a breeze sneaks through the day, or I might get caught up in the afternoon gossip of a flock of sparrows nesting in the trees on the western edge of the property.  Some times, I close my eyes and pretend that when I open them, there will be a beautiful lake before me, and on the other side, a blinking green light.  Or, maybe this time I might find myself looking upon Thornfield or Misselthewaite Manor.  And some times I slip further back into my mind, and I'm meeting up with old characters in stories I've started to write, but never finished.  Its the only place I can truly escape and find my own truth in life.

That seems to be the ingredient for me.  Realizations.  The places that are my favorite are places that I have had a significant experience... and that can not be cooked up on blueprints or hot stoves, it has to happen organically.  That's it, I'm going to open a restaurant and serve up Organice Experiences, but you must Bring Your Own Imagination!  

Ahoy Soulmateys!

The topic of soul mates could send me off in a slew of tangents, but I'll try to stay to the point as much as I can.   Admittedly, I may not have the most romantic perspective of soul mates, but I believe there are people, things and experiences that our souls (or self) strongly connect to.  The one thing I don't believe is that the connection is binding even if it is for a long time or even forever.

According to common understanding (via Wikipedia :) ), soul mates are two persons who have a deep and natural affinity for each other.  Supposedly there's someone out there who naturally understands me, and falls perfectly into the crevices of my imperfections and ideally, completes me.  This is too good to be true.  It seems that every loving couple I know went through or are going through setbacks to get [back] to that "natural" affinity.  I do think, however, that some people shouldn't be together.  So, yes to soul mates, but perfect spherical unity, not at all.  

From my own experience thus far, I think there may have been one person that I felt a deep and natural affinity with, romantically.  It certainly is easy to love him, forgive him, hate him and care about him.  I know I can always talk to him even though I don't always want to.  He's, mostly, been there for me whenever I need someone, but for all the romance  I could have with him, I don't feel bound to him and I don't feel that we are perfect together.  I only feel that I would love him as long as I could, and he would love me the same. 

On the topic of feeling whole or complete, I think that as a person grows into becoming herself, she will find that wholeness within.  For me, I need to learn to make room for someone more than finding someone to fill the gaps.  My mom puts it best:  "You've got to keep searching until the puzzle pieces fit, but the puzzle doesn't end there.  When you both find a puzzle to fit into, both will have to keep working at it to whatever end."  In other words, life is not about me, and maybe in a way, soul mates is not just about two people, but more about what they become when joined, or some other deeper meaning.  

Soul mates is just the tip of the iceberg of something cosmically larger than one truth.  I might have to revisit this topic later on in life.  

MASHUP 2013

Last year still seems so near even though I can hardly remember November 2013.  But, if I just sit a minute and rewind I might remember who I was and all the things that happened.  Maybe I could start with December and go back each month.  No, no, I think the best way is to MashUp 2013 - blurred memories, wicked thoughts, endless tears and frantic laughs altogether - at least what I can remember.  

I had the best pizzas all year long with my good friend Will.  New good friends are hard to find even if they’ve been there all along.  Good friends are worth the time spent solidifying the relationship and letting them know the ugly truth about yourself.  Believe me, I am blunt, straight forward and sometimes unapologetically overly opinionated.  None of my close friends and family would probably use the word “sweet” to describe me.  I’m sure of it.  

I missed out on a super awesome EOY vacay with some of my BFF’s.  Boo.  But, Christmas and NYE was great with family.  I even sang a song - a song I’d been practicing for three years, and I still messed up.  Performing is just not my thing, but everyone had a good laugh or two.

I also got a new job in June.  Yipee!  And my old boss got canned after I left.  Boo!  Why not before?  But I love my job now equally, well 20% more equally. 

And I must mention I decided to let things go its course with the driveway issues.  We had no choice so the courts will decide: Good Ole Boys v. Pissed Off Asian Woman.  Enough Said.

2013 also brought two weddings and a pouring of new babies.  Squeeze!  Love in the air.  New life to celebrate.  All the sugary sweetness a spinster can handle. 

Family happenings was heartwarming and heartbreaking.  My mom left me this year.  Now I have two parents out of the house.  Its hard when parents retire and move away.  I’m glad they are finally together, but I was feeling total empty nest syndrome, and felt it especially more when Olivia & Co. bought a house.  Luckily Yia & Violet moved back.  sigh of relief.

The most changing experience was losing one of my heros - my grandfather.  The pain of losing him is unimaginable, and coping with it is harder than anything I've had to face.  I know I surely went through the stages, and people! its totally ok to conform and go through the stages. Death is so illuding, and the only way I could make some sense of it was to think of living; the way my grandpa lived his life and how it impacts the way I live mine.  I revisited the moments I shared with him like when he got his first bonus at work and took everyone to Old Country Buffet.  Or, when I got my first summer job working with him cutting flowers.  All the lessons he taught me through the way he lived his life.  Even now, the pain is so near.  He welded his will to very end.  I still can’t come to terms on what is more painful that he left us or that we let him go.  He always loved everyone more than anyone knew.  I realize that there will never be enough time, and there is only the time right now to do what I want and to love the people around me.  That is the part of his legacy I hope to carry into the new year and for the rest of my life.

Hippie Weekends

To commence my less-than-ideal hippie summer, I crammed in a bang of an ending with the camping trip to Chippewa National Forest (see previous post) and a weekend dedicated to turf.  I had quite the best companions:  my mom and Ms. Cindy Yang.  What started as a wedding weekend plus camping got changed in the last minute because my mom needed a driver to Missouri.  (I am really sad I missed the wedding though.  It would have been beautiful.).
The drive down to Missouri was no picnic!  It poured in Iowa all the way through Story City to Ames, which are normally horrible driving spots anyhow.  I charged through the rain even though there were plenty of cars and trucks pulled out along the wayside, but I figured the rain would have to stop at some distance given it'll stop at some time.  The rest of the ride was pretty smooth, and some where along the way, I switched with my mom and slept all the way to Diamond.  We arrive roughly at 3am.
Sleep was short, but I seldom sleep long when its not in my own bed.  We were up cooking breakfast by 8am and out to the fields by 10am.  We rode around in my dad's truck chasing the cattle, and seeing all the calves.  Took a quick peep at the turkey barns, and went back to the house for a shower and change before we hit the road again for good ol' Texas. 
We departed my old farm at about 1pm and headed south on 44.  It would end up a longer road than we anticipated, but we were basically ready for anything. 

Ruffin' It at Cass Lake

Similar to many of my trips, and just the way I like it, a good friend of mine and I winged it up to Chippewa National Forest this last weekend (Aug 27-28).  What could be better (or more scary) than two Asian women from the cities trying their hand at camping up in Northern Minnesota?  Yes, it sounds like a comedy and disaster in the making, but we had a great time learning the ropes in the dark.

Our drive should have been five hours only if I hadn't taken the wrong exit and the wrong turn that lead us south for about an hour.  Opps.  We got Bao's GPS to work, and turned back on a detour on our way in the right direction.  Driving through the small towns really brought back the excitement of last summer when I went up by myself.  I loved driving through Brainerd, Nisswa, Pequot Lakes and Hakensack, and I loved most arriving in Walker.  I just can never get over the awe and enchantment driving down that curve on 371 and seeing Leech Lake glistening in the sunlight.  Its like falling in love. 

When I say we "winged it" up north, I seriously mean nothing was set in stone or planned out.  I just knew I wanted to see and hopefully camp in Chippewa National Forest.  I tried reserving a site, but it was too late to do so.  I was told most of the sites are first come first serve, and we could just pay when we got there.  The first sites we looked at were just a little outside of Walker.  I think they were Steamboat and Harmony campgrounds, which are privately owned.  We were not impressed.  Its not that the sites weren't nice or that they weren't in a good location; it was kind of the opposite actually.  The spots were clear on the lake, and with lots of great space, and LOTS OF PEOPLE.  We decided to clear out of those places and look for something wilder.  Our next stop was at Pike lake campsite, which is a Chippewa National Forest site.  This was more to our liking.  We had to actually drive through woods and small roads to get to the campsite.  When we arrived at the site, it was nearly dusk.  We pulled into the loop, and to our dismay all the sites on the lake was taken.  The camp host was very friendly.  He was a hefty man, and he was out walking his little dog; it looked like maltese.  I wonder if he felt any safer with the dog, or if the dog felt safer with him.  We opted out of this site, and decided we'd drive on to see if there were any other sites. 

On we drove on 371 until it was cut off by 2.  At 2 we took a left and searched for Stoney Point Campgrounds.  When we saw the place, we were not impressed.  It was like the private campgrounds we'd first checked out, so we check that off our list.  We drove on to Norway Beach Loop, and we settled at Chippewa Loop in campsite 114 right infront of Cass Lake.  By this time it was 8pm and dark.  We paid our $23 to the pay post, $3 to the camp host for firewood and went on to set up Bao's brand new four man tent.  It took us probably an hour to get the tent up.  Then, we drove back out of the campsite to the nearest grocery store and bought our supply of the weekend.  Yes, we did not buy anything for the trip but the tent (and two packs of brews).  We decided on hotdogs, water and bananas.  We were keeping it simple. 
I seldom tent camp, and even when I go I usually sleep in my car.  I am lucky and glad Bao was quite the expert at getting a campfire going.  The last time I tried my hand at a bonfire, I burned all the firewood in the pit and outside of it.  Bao did a great job using the extra grocery bags we gat as kindling and getting a nice cozy warm fire going.   By this time it was 10:30ish.  We put the dogs on the grill that came with each campsite, popped open two beers, opened up our lawn chairs and enjoyed the wilderness in all its darkness, silence, interruptions and brightness.  You never really enjoy stars until you're up North.  The sky seems bigger.  Stars are brighter, and, for me, I feel smaller the way a person should feel.  All my worries are specs, and my thoughts are big.  We sat mostly in silence, and what we talked about didn't seem to matter as much as the fact that we were there - finally. 
I don't know if its common or uncommon for women to camp alone, but I felt perfectly safe and comfortable under the abyss with Bao.  For whatever reasons, I felt really fortunate to have this weekend with just her and I.  I miss the thoughtful conversations, and insightful enlightenments.  I mean, I get that with other friends too, but it feels different with each person, and Bao has been someone I've looked up to for many many years.  I was glad to get to see her the way I had always known her again.  Of course, time changes everything, but in the core of it all even the toughest trees have a soft inner ring - well protected and ever lasting. 
At about midnight, we aired up the air mattress (yes there are outlets at each campsite), and turned in for the night so that we could get up to see the sunrise. 
I awoke to some scratching and shuffling outside our tent.  The campgrounds, otherwise, was still quiet.  It was a squirrel scavenging for acorns.  I woke Bao up and we walked the few steps to the beach with our folding chairs.  The lake was still as ice.  An arobatic mist rose up into the pink skies, and sliver of light cut through the horizon.  We were speechless, and busy taking pictures and posting it on to facebook.  Not a ripple.  Not a sound.  Not even a thought interrupted such a natural beauty.  After minutes of silence I hearda swooshing like you'd hear in movies for a boomerang.  Woosh woosh woosh woosh... a black bird flew over.  It was the first sound to break the silence.  Seagulls flew in, and two loons appeared on the lake.  The seagulls patrolled the shoreline, and the loons dipped into the lake hunting for breakfast.  When they came close together, the male loon would call, and they'd come together then apart and dive.  It was quite romantic. 
When the loons dove into the lake, there was just a slight ripple.  The surface quickly became still like ice and reflective like glass.  It must have been the loons, but I was feeling quite romantic and this thought came to me:  I suppose Love and Relationships are like the sky and lake.  From afar they seem to blend into one.  Up close the lake reflects the sky and they seem to be in unison, but in substance they are each their own matter; they are neither together or seperate, but better together.  Yeah, it sounds cheesy, but you'd have had to been at the shoreline to feel and understand what I mean.  lol. 
.... more later....

Sunday Morning

Clarity

Tuesday Adventure

The weather in Minnesota can be mysterious and sensitive during this season.  I left downtown at roughly 7pm and headed to the gym only to find tornado warnings blaring in Maple Grove.  I turned on MPR to find that Hennepin County was under a tornado watch.  In the twenty minutes it took me to get from downtown Minneapolis to Maple Grove, Albertville, St. Michael, Edina and select surrounding suburbs had experienced hail storms the size of golf balls and tennis balls.  And, the hail storm was making its way into downtown.  I was on the road the whole time and got only a few rain drops.  I completely missed the storm.
I ditched the gym, and took my chances at seeing a storm brewing in St. Michael where meteorologists and an enthusiastic radio host announced that a tornado would touch down at any moment.  I got onto 116 toward St. Michael, and drove north toward the dark wall of clouds.  The sun was threatening from the west with a pink glow behind the gray skies.  I listened to the radio to give me the coordinates of the potential danger.  As I drove cautiously toward St. Michael I kept my eyes half on the road and half on the darkest patch of cloud.  At some point it crossed my mind that I was being completely unreasonable because as the radio warned people of getting shelter, I was driving into the storm - more like I was looking for the storm.  I guess its never too late to be an adventure enthusiast.
I rolled down the windows so I could hear and smell the storm as it organized to make an assault on the northwest metro suburbs.  The air was oddly still, and dramatic.  It smelled like cool watermelon on a hot picnic afternoon.  Just my luck.  As I arrived in Hanover (approximately 5 minutes from St. Michael) the radio host announced that the tornado warning had been lifted, and hail storms and tornado threats were now moved onto downtown Minneapolis.  The Twins game was stalled, and happy hours all over downtown and uptown were interrupted by the thrashing of golf ball size hail.
Adventure escapes me this time, but I hope to find some adventure soon.  I will post pictures that I took of the brewing storm in the morning.  Good night all!



 On my way toward Hanover



After the warnings were cancelled







Grand Marais

There are, if not all, some enlightening lessons one can learn from nature.  If when in doubt, I turn to nature to gain a glimpse of perspective about myself and the world I live in.  I went up to Grand Marais over the weekend with Cindy, Sy and Will.  We stayed at Croftville Road Cottages, which are a couple miles North of Grand Marais.  We rented one of their 800 sq ft cottages for a fair price and, resolutely, good deal considering the hospitality, view and company.
I had two goals for myself:  the first was to visit the Devil's Kettle in Judge CR Magney State Park; and secondly, to catch the sunrise on Lake Superior because our cottages were, after all, on the lake.  I accomplished both tasks.
We arrived at our cottage shortly after five on Friday evening.  We unloaded Cindy's trusty corolla, and amazed at the quality of the cottage, lake view and bonfire pit.  Our first adventure was downtown Grand Marais.  Downtown Grand Marais is everything a small town in Minnesota ought to be with friendly locals, quaint shops and generations of Ford pickups parked sparsely throughout the quiet streets.  We visited the Municipal Liquor Store, unloaded the goodies at the car, and walked a windy block to Sven and Ole's pizzeria.  The restaurant lived up to its name; we were supremely satisfied with our Havvian Vun, sodas and front seat view of the television so the guys could watch the NFL draft while Cindy and I talked much about nothing important.  It was one of those weekend getaways; we all wanted to leave behind the heavy worries of our city lives, and enjoy the lighter side of life.  All serious talk ended in friendly agreement, and all silliness was welcome to the party.
We finished off the night with a bonfire, drinks and insightful conversations on gender roles, sexuality and dating.  We all agreed and toasted to dating outside of our norm which each person would define for him/herself.  We also debated the need and value of gender roles, which we agreed that each family has their own culture, but each generation changes a little too.  We talked about whether we were homophobic, and agreed that we all were not but we choose to not debate on the issues.  (I think its fair to admit that at some point almost all heterosexual individuals honestly asks oneself if he/she is comfortable with homosexuals and homosexuality.)  Cindy put it best when she said "Love is the same regardless of sex, gender or race; everyone wants to be loved."  We toasted yet again to Love, and put out our bonfire.
I woke up at 6:17 am Saturday morning to catch the sunrise over Lake Superior.  The sun rose over the lake like an empress upon her thrown, and by 6:41, the clouds rolled in to veil it's soft glow.  Around 6:47 a few rain drops fell down, and I retreated into the cottage and under my blanket for more sleep.
I realized the obvious realization that morning:  Each day the world intends to bring us light and hope, but if we do not rise early to the occasion we only see the clouds that have moved in the way, and we become fearful and hopeless of accomplishing anything.  For the rest of the day, I did not find myself worrying too much about anything.
We had banana nut cheerios and left over pizza for breakfast.  I packed four sandwiches and a few apples, and Cindy loaded us up on water for our adventures.  We left our cottage at 11am in search of the Witch Tree and the Devil's Kettle.  Highway 61 was our main route, and it would take us straight to Grand Portage where we might see the Witch tree.  (.... to be continued when I am not so sleepy...)

More spur of the moment N.Shore writings

At times I wonder if the sun feels weak
Meaningless like some tool of life itself
O!  The task of lighting an entire universe
I wonder if it had a mind to wonder.
What if the sun fell in love?
With a silver knight with sparkling charm
Should she retire from her place above?
Just for an hour, what would be the harm?
Or, say she abandoned just Earth
Shot our planet out of the universe
Would she know to miss our beauty?
If only she had the choice.
Steadfast she stays her course
Through hours our selfish eyes cannot see
I suppose she knows some higher truth
And she lives her time by her own rules.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Infinite and Wild

The night cannot keep me from you
You are Infinite and Wild.
Your body is the path I take like a river flows to a rushing fall
Your hands are never ending; they reach for me wide and far.
A mysterious power echoes like a sigh throughout my soul.
I come to you and I find peace.
Alone.  You're the waterfall in my mind.

Whisper through the trees; I am leaning toward your every word.
The night cannot keep me from you.
You are infinite and wild.

Random Northshore Writings of a Night

I: I am Here

I am here -

A shadow among bright lights

I creep along to find a place

Slow and steady like the tides of the northshore

I am real

Of all things considered

That waits for tomorrow

I rise and wait behind clouded skies

I am burning

With desire to make my print

An asterisk in the tale of humanity

I shed my leaves and am born again each season

I am here

A life of unlikely measure

Fallen from the fairytale

I carry you in my winds of memory. 

I am here.

I am here.

---------------------------------------------------------------

II: My love

I cannot say I love you

But I cannot live without you

A tangle weed without a root

A sheltering cave without a nook

How many nights did I hold you

Always close to my heart, it’s true.

A cold stone on the lake shore

You could swallow me as you did before

I cannot take you with me

But where you are is where I’ll be

Far in space but close in time
I am yours as you are mine. 
----------------------------------------------------
III: My Lover

I suppose I love you in my way

As the sun quietly loves the earth

Meekly rising to see her lover – sleeping still

Gentle touches and soft golden kisses

At times her temper may be harsh

Inconsiderate and unmindful of

The measures it takes to take it in

Because all things beautiful connect within

I love you whole and with my all

I love you only as I know how

Like the sun that radiates all year long

To see Earth’s beauty fully sprung.

O de Northshore

In my solitude, you are my companion
Through it all you are the champion
A constant intelligence to my numbness
You conquer when I am hopeless
Guide me once again in Understanding.

Your advisors, they know me well.
They know of joy and of hell
The Golden Empress on her hot seat high
And the Cool Moon that lights the night
They teach me forgiveness and forgetting

Iron clouds they roll in like the enemy
Yet in distance their shelter is friendly.
Thundering waters raging with might
They hum a tune to sooth my mind.
The horrors we see are not always so daring.

Along unraveling trails nature reveals
Each slice of time must be unpeeled.
Traverse wooded lanes and broken showers
In places hidden are nature’s powers
Overcoming the riddles I’ve been contemplating.

Rock 'n' Road Weekend

What started out as a one day hiking trip to Blue Mounds State Park ended up being a two day trip to Mt. Rushmore and back.  The spontaneous trip brought us straight through South Dakota, and into Wyoming.  We had no intentions on going to Wyoming, but we needed a place to crash, and rooms in Rapid City were full all the way through to Gillette, Wyoming.  After ten hours sitting in the car, spending the night sleeping in the car just didn't sound appealing.  We opted for the extra 1.5 hours for a comfy bed and renewed excitement.
I am not sure why we decided to go, but it could be in part to the disappointment we felt after seeing that Blue Mounds State Park was mostly prairie land, and the bison were fenced in 500 acres of land where they all stayed in a cluster in the middle of the land.  So, we could only see them from very very far away.  Then, we finally found the red cliffs of the park, and were more satisfied, but still unsettled.  The whole time at the park, we could hear traffic on 75 and at the highest points we could see traffic passing on the road.  The park is small, and after walking 4 miles on a short trail, we really were not interested in seeing anymore of the park.  What started out as a joke about going the extra six hours to Mt. Rushmore became more appealing, and though we did not have anything packed, we decided to go anyway.
There are a lot of ghost towns on the way to Mt. Rushmore.  There was one right outside of Murad that I'd like to visit some time just to take pictures.  Other places that I'd like to see and/or spend more time at are; I'd plan a day for Black Hills, a day for Jewel Cave, a day for Mt. Rushmore and Keystone, and a day for the Bad Lands.  I would stop by the Missouri River, and when going 16 SE from Gillette to Mt. Rushmore, I would take the Buffalo trail. 
Over all, the trip was great!!!  It's easy to travel when you're with like minded people, and everyone is laid back.  I would definitely do a trip through SD again.  

Life is a Fair

Went to the great All-Minnesotan get together this weekend for a few hours.  I hadn't been to the MN State Fair since 2006, maybe.  Everything is mostly the same except not as many extreme rides as they use to have.  I want to try the free fall one if it ever comes back. 

I made it a point to try new foods instead of just eating the normal which are Ms. Fields cookies, fries and cheese curds.  This year I ate swedish eggs, bacon on a stick and pronto pup.  I really wanted cheese curds and a footlong corndog, but I was so tired that I left without eating everything I wanted to.

The Fine Arts building was an awesome exhibit.  We also looked at the cattle barns and listened to some Tim McGraw.  Overall, four hours at the fair is really not enough time to do everything.  Ideally, it would be nice to go all day, but have a long break/nap in the afternoon. 

Thinking about planning an adventure for labor day weekend.  what to do?  Contemplating between Devil's Kettle and Blue Mounds State Park.

Ponemah Revisited

The way I see it is that I, and my family as well as anyone whose ancestors aren’t natives of America, were given a great opportunity to live in America. My family moved here to flee oppression, and chase a dream of freedom and chance. After visiting Ponemah, I have to wonder how distressing it would be to be shuffled around, and eventually allotted small plots of territory to set up your own rules and laws within a larger society that is so tempting. I mean, almost all the poorest towns in the US are Native American reservations, and the people who live there seem comfortable and happy, but to live with such limited opportunity, when the opportunity for progress is just a drive away must be conflictual. Yet, to leave one’s reservation would feel something like treason, and to stay is what Oprah would call social determinance.

Ponemah sits on the very boot of land protruding into Red Lake. Sure, the scenery is idyllic, but there is no industry in Ponemah. Even if the people receive some kind of government funds or reparations, it’s only enough to last from hand to mouth. You’d have to leave the reservation to really get beyond the dangling carrot, and even then, you face the worse sorts of social stigma. I do not think that the community is doomed, but it is clearer to me that we are all faced with unique challenges. Sometimes, overcoming them is never easy or forgiving.

Maybe that’s what I sought after: to find a place that physically represents what I sometimes feel inside.