Filter Filter Filter!!!!

Early this summer when I got my promotion, I was happy and scared at the same time.  Happy because I knew I deserved the promotion, but scared because its been a while since something this great has come my way so easily.  I was sure the good fortune would quickly be followed by some misfortune.  After all, I have been fighting, fighting for the last four years to keep myself together under the weight of many stresses.  More than anything, I was afraid the good fortune would disturb the sense of calm I had recently found.  

There are some people who can always maintain a positive attitude, and never despair.  I am not one of those people.  I am almost always worried about something, but I try hard to keep my anxiety in check when I walk out the door.  I always say “change is good” but there are times I say it because I need to remind myself of that fact.  

So I had a lot of hardships these last couple years.  I fought back, and did my best to overcome them.  I have come to the point where a big part of the fight will be with myself and allowing change to happen as it naturally will.  There are some things I don’t want to let go of, but not letting them go might be more harmful in the long haul.  

In a way, I have caged myself in my ideals, and I held on to childish dreams.  Did I really think that one day my family would live in five houses surrounding a lush court yard where we would play croquet and drink tea?  Or that all the people I love(d) and I would never part ways?  I guess for some time I did.  So much of what I desired depended on other people.  Though I’ve always considered myself to be quite independent, I’m learning that there is this other thing I’ve lost touch with:  Individualism.  It’s starting to become clear that Individualism is going to be that sacrifice in the long haul.

I know I was more individualistic when I was younger, but as I grew up I thought it was childish that I couldn’t try to see things more from other people’s perspectives.  I went to great lengths to be more intuitive, and to listen before I talk; to weigh all matters at hand before jumping to conclusions, and to always be honest about what I thought.  Eventually, I decided that that was how I could achieve balance in my life by weighing it all out.

I saw balance like a seesaw, or a weighing instrument that one might typically see for ads relating to justice.  On one side was me, and on the other side was the world.  Yeah, I know this is sounding a bit narcissistic, egocentric and maybe a little hypomanic, but that’s what blogs are for, and just follow me here, ok (in the like of Barney Stinson).  I thought if I could balance myself with everything in my life, I could find peace or some kind of calm state of being.  Now, I don’t think balancing life can be done on a scale with two sides measuring for equal weight, but balancing life is more like atoms and particles moving at super speed and I just have to let it happen in which ever crazy way its going to happen because its the momentum that keeps it balanced.  And, inner peace isn’t something that I can achieve on a constant, but its more like sunshine that I should enjoy while it lasts.  And individuality isn’t one of the supersonic particles of life that is out of reach, but it is the filter that I see myself and life through.  

I can’t explain what this all means or how it means, but I like the idea of more individualism.  I’m going to slowly introduce it back into my life one shade at a time until I get the filter just right - or not at all.

Others to Keep

I don't know how other people are, but I often find that I don't fully accept and understand that I won't be here forever.  Maybe it is my selfishness that makes me forget (or deny) that there will be someone else to love, regret and cherish Life after I am gone, and in her time she will have her own triumphs and hardships.  The same will be true for her and everyone else.  Time is a tool of our lives, but also the whip that runs us down.  It is, in the end, Life's ultimate addiction.

What do I do with that thought?  I need more time, more time for this and more time for that, but at the same I am getting more tired and worn out.  Some times I start to loathe that there is no end even though an end is certain.  The weight of worry grows heavier as time presses on, and I start to question How I am living because it is too late to contemplate life.  I search my memory, and I realize that the genuine good things are enough to tolerate the weight of suffering.  Memory is the great endurance of time. This is where I should attempt to make the best impact in some small and genuine way.    

Always I know I am small in the universe - smaller even than dust in a banquet hall.  I have no significance among great things, but nonetheless, I have purpose.  I am nothing and everything to this world that I am a part of.  That is the only identity crisis I face.

The loathsome day will arrive, and after I have been spent and pressed thin, all of me will fade along with other Things.  Time will take its toll and by then I suspect the price will not seem too heavy.  For now, I can only influence the fractions of time and space that are mine, and everything else is for others to keep.

Short: Sophie by the River

The river called to her.  She found herself on the riverbank that summer evening gazing out into the calm water.  There was nothing particular on her mind, but there was a pulling at her heart.  Something curious and longing festering there, and it was looking for answers in the depths of the river.  The river was still as a photograph even as a breeze swept under the bridge that connected downtown to the governtment island.  In her heart, Sophie, felt moved by the river like there was some secret to be revealed at any moment.

She carefully observed the riverbank, bridge and water for anything extraordinary or interesting.  She peered into the dark waters, but all she saw was the reflection of the city lights.  She sat another ten minutes then got up to leave.  As she stood up, a slight ripple danced along the river's surface.  A mild wind whipped through the bridge and slapped against the water.  The surface swelled as if something glided under it.  A chill crawled over her, and hurried her away from the river.  She got on to her bike and peddled away.  

She peddled along Seventh to Hope Street.  Her team was meeting at The Boss Club with Robert.  He had some urgent news to share with them.  

Lifesaving Little Creatures

A good friend is like the stories you like to tell over and over gain.  The things you've been through together are so deeply embedded into who you are that certain portions of your memories are theirs.  Good friends are truly lifesaving little creatures who make the hardships in life more bearable.  Personally, I don't take my friendships lightly.  I only accept the truly battered, worn down and experienced friends.  Being around them is as easy as putting on my favorite pair of blue jeans.  

We all (should) want to be that friend who is fun and dependable, but we know that someone has done that repeatedly for us too.  It may not always be the same person, but good friends lend you their strength when yours alone is not enough.  Friends are my ultimate cheerleaders whether its a good idea or not.  They will be there to pick me up when, alas as they predicted, it was a bad idea.  Seriously, how many times did I fall off the chair lift at Lutsen, and still my friends kept showing up at the top with me to watch me fall off until I didn't.

You might ask me, how does one develop such meaningful relationships?  Respectfully, I accept the question.  The first thing is know what kind of friend you are because this is where it starts.  Second, is find people who are going to be the same kind of friend you are because this minimizes the drama that follows when you don't quite meet each other's expectations.  Thirdly, do stupid things together and suddenly those stupid things don't seem stupid, but they strengthen the trust.  If someone can do stupid things with you, you know you've got a good friend and something to blackmail them with if all else fails.  Lastly, don't cling on to them like a life jacket because no one wants to be friends with a sinking ship.  Accept that someone hotter will come along and you're going to have to share your friends with their boyfriend or girlfriend.  If you find yourself jealous of the time they spend with their significant other or you feel you should be included in all their dates, then friendship is not what you're looking for.  

I have friends I haven't spoken with for months.  Life happens, and you carry on, but when you do get a chance to chat, it could go on for hours.  I have good friends who are my family members, and many of my good friends feel like family because I could never get rid of them easily.  

Overall, good friendships aren't based on some shallow meet and greets.  Long lasting friendships have substance, and sometimes involves substance abuse (though I highly do not recommend nor do I deny).  Good friends are supportive and nurturing.  They tell you its a stupid idea, but still offer to help if you need any.  They give you the hard truth when a dress is too tight to wear even if you're in Vegas but buy you spandex incase you get the itch to try it on again.  They lose their clothes in your closet, celebrate your birthday harder than you, send you flowers when you're down, visit you when you're hurt, or maybe they might find themselves having an awkward breakfast with your parents because driving home was just too dangerous.  And I must not forget, they tell the best stories about you whether its true or not.  

Curiosity Calls! Discover Me!

Blame it on too much Cosmo as a teenager or cheap horoscopes, but one of the best discoveries I've had in my life is reinventing myself.  Geminis are apparently good a reinventing themselves, and are flaky and full of themselves.  I know that's such a cheap description, but I have found that its easy for me to change my mind about things and that sometimes is described as flaky.  I can handle life so much better when I know that its not forever.  Not saying that I don't hold on to somethings far past their expiration dates, but generally I try let myself down easy when time has run out.

But, there are some big things in my life that are tough as a mountain to move, and no amount of reinvention has changed where I stand against its monstrosity.  For example, Mike.  He's one of the biggest mountains I've ever created for myself.  I have poured ten years of emotional baggage into this man, and I still don't want to commit to him and I don't trust him. The toughest part is that the solution is so simple, but the consequences seem too scary.  I mean this is LIFE.  When you mess up your life, there's really no one else to blame but yourself.  I should allow myself the courage to mess up, get back up, try new things and explore.  Yes.  I need to explore.

Explore and discover.  I've done good share of that in my professional life.  In the roughly ten years I've been full-time in the workforce, I've changed my profession four times from Insurance Sales, Journalism, Grants/Finance and now Accounting.  Yet, I think with the new things I'm learning and adding to my skills set, this may not be the end of my professional web.  I am very interested in getting into project management, change management and information systems.  At the same time, I still dream of writing.  I could.  I can.  I should be whoever I want to be as soon as I decide so.

So, then it baffles me when grown people act like there is nothing they can do to help their situation (though there are some situations that can't be helped, but usually those situations are illegal or have legal implications).  I'm fairly compassionate, but I'm equal parts tough love.  I know what its like to keep making the same mistakes over and over again, but I also know enough that its because I'm not ready to move that mountain.  Nothing else.  Absolutely nothing but myself hinders me from achieving what I want.  I'm sure it baffles people, and they might think "she's had it easy.  she's naive to think that way."

I haven't been through it all, but I've been through enough to test my perseverance against those who'd break me down.  It has definitely changed who I am.  My conviction has been tested against failing dreams and broken hearts.  Through the tears and sweat, I am on track to realizing those dreams and mending those hearts.  But each time things got hard, I had to ask myself "Who are you?"  And every time, the answer was slightly different.

Reinvention isn't a change of clothes or a new hair color.  It takes commitment, determination and sometimes, desperation.  Above all, it requires a flaky, naive and careless kind of Hope (and curiosity, meow).

BYOImagination

Here's another thing about me that drives me crazy!  I can never have just ONE favorite thing!  Its impossible to choose just one because it just is.  I don't have one favorite color.  I have two favorite colors:  black and purple.  I don't have one favorite restaurant to eat at, but I have at least three favorite places for each Hobbit meal of the day.  Lets start with coffee.  My two favorite coffee dives are Swede Hollow in St. Paul and the Urban Bean in Minneapolis.  For a loosen-my-belt kind of breakfast, I'll go with the omelettes at Sunnyside Up or the Red & Green plate at Seward Cafe.  But, if I'm in the mood for a light breakfast I'd order up the plantain pancakes at Maria's Cafe or grab a pastry at the Franklin Street Bakery.  If I want an exceptionally exquisite breakfast, I must go to Meritage in downtown St. Paul.  True foodies (and hobbits) know that breakfast is only the warm up run.  I love brunch as much as Memei loves cream in her tea.  The best brunches are at Mandarin Kitchen, Granite City or at Pashia's house.  I could go on about favorite food places, but do you really want to hear?  Leave me a comment, if you do.

As undecided as I am, I do actually have a favorite place to dine (eat).  My favorite place is in my backyard.  Alfresco dinners in the spring time with family and friends, and summer tea parties in the backyard are some of the reasons why it's my favorite place.  The intimate experiences with loved ones are what makes some meals more than just delicious.  Also, most of you have probably seen all the pictures I've posted on Facebook of my backyard - I could do anything I wanted to there, and I have a lot of things I should do too.

I love looking out into the six acres behind the house not because I'm vain, but because it frees my mind.  The late afternoon sun slowly rolling over to the west, and fluffy clouds parading by like marshmallow men .  A cold glass of Riesling on the patio table, and a rack of ribs smoking on the grill while I soak in some sun.  I find myself zoning out to the sound of leaves rustling as a breeze sneaks through the day, or I might get caught up in the afternoon gossip of a flock of sparrows nesting in the trees on the western edge of the property.  Some times, I close my eyes and pretend that when I open them, there will be a beautiful lake before me, and on the other side, a blinking green light.  Or, maybe this time I might find myself looking upon Thornfield or Misselthewaite Manor.  And some times I slip further back into my mind, and I'm meeting up with old characters in stories I've started to write, but never finished.  Its the only place I can truly escape and find my own truth in life.

That seems to be the ingredient for me.  Realizations.  The places that are my favorite are places that I have had a significant experience... and that can not be cooked up on blueprints or hot stoves, it has to happen organically.  That's it, I'm going to open a restaurant and serve up Organice Experiences, but you must Bring Your Own Imagination!  

Ahoy Soulmateys!

The topic of soul mates could send me off in a slew of tangents, but I'll try to stay to the point as much as I can.   Admittedly, I may not have the most romantic perspective of soul mates, but I believe there are people, things and experiences that our souls (or self) strongly connect to.  The one thing I don't believe is that the connection is binding even if it is for a long time or even forever.

According to common understanding (via Wikipedia :) ), soul mates are two persons who have a deep and natural affinity for each other.  Supposedly there's someone out there who naturally understands me, and falls perfectly into the crevices of my imperfections and ideally, completes me.  This is too good to be true.  It seems that every loving couple I know went through or are going through setbacks to get [back] to that "natural" affinity.  I do think, however, that some people shouldn't be together.  So, yes to soul mates, but perfect spherical unity, not at all.  

From my own experience thus far, I think there may have been one person that I felt a deep and natural affinity with, romantically.  It certainly is easy to love him, forgive him, hate him and care about him.  I know I can always talk to him even though I don't always want to.  He's, mostly, been there for me whenever I need someone, but for all the romance  I could have with him, I don't feel bound to him and I don't feel that we are perfect together.  I only feel that I would love him as long as I could, and he would love me the same. 

On the topic of feeling whole or complete, I think that as a person grows into becoming herself, she will find that wholeness within.  For me, I need to learn to make room for someone more than finding someone to fill the gaps.  My mom puts it best:  "You've got to keep searching until the puzzle pieces fit, but the puzzle doesn't end there.  When you both find a puzzle to fit into, both will have to keep working at it to whatever end."  In other words, life is not about me, and maybe in a way, soul mates is not just about two people, but more about what they become when joined, or some other deeper meaning.  

Soul mates is just the tip of the iceberg of something cosmically larger than one truth.  I might have to revisit this topic later on in life.  

MASHUP 2013

Last year still seems so near even though I can hardly remember November 2013.  But, if I just sit a minute and rewind I might remember who I was and all the things that happened.  Maybe I could start with December and go back each month.  No, no, I think the best way is to MashUp 2013 - blurred memories, wicked thoughts, endless tears and frantic laughs altogether - at least what I can remember.  

I had the best pizzas all year long with my good friend Will.  New good friends are hard to find even if they’ve been there all along.  Good friends are worth the time spent solidifying the relationship and letting them know the ugly truth about yourself.  Believe me, I am blunt, straight forward and sometimes unapologetically overly opinionated.  None of my close friends and family would probably use the word “sweet” to describe me.  I’m sure of it.  

I missed out on a super awesome EOY vacay with some of my BFF’s.  Boo.  But, Christmas and NYE was great with family.  I even sang a song - a song I’d been practicing for three years, and I still messed up.  Performing is just not my thing, but everyone had a good laugh or two.

I also got a new job in June.  Yipee!  And my old boss got canned after I left.  Boo!  Why not before?  But I love my job now equally, well 20% more equally. 

And I must mention I decided to let things go its course with the driveway issues.  We had no choice so the courts will decide: Good Ole Boys v. Pissed Off Asian Woman.  Enough Said.

2013 also brought two weddings and a pouring of new babies.  Squeeze!  Love in the air.  New life to celebrate.  All the sugary sweetness a spinster can handle. 

Family happenings was heartwarming and heartbreaking.  My mom left me this year.  Now I have two parents out of the house.  Its hard when parents retire and move away.  I’m glad they are finally together, but I was feeling total empty nest syndrome, and felt it especially more when Olivia & Co. bought a house.  Luckily Yia & Violet moved back.  sigh of relief.

The most changing experience was losing one of my heros - my grandfather.  The pain of losing him is unimaginable, and coping with it is harder than anything I've had to face.  I know I surely went through the stages, and people! its totally ok to conform and go through the stages. Death is so illuding, and the only way I could make some sense of it was to think of living; the way my grandpa lived his life and how it impacts the way I live mine.  I revisited the moments I shared with him like when he got his first bonus at work and took everyone to Old Country Buffet.  Or, when I got my first summer job working with him cutting flowers.  All the lessons he taught me through the way he lived his life.  Even now, the pain is so near.  He welded his will to very end.  I still can’t come to terms on what is more painful that he left us or that we let him go.  He always loved everyone more than anyone knew.  I realize that there will never be enough time, and there is only the time right now to do what I want and to love the people around me.  That is the part of his legacy I hope to carry into the new year and for the rest of my life.